Anxiety After a Miscarriage, Grief, and Having a Rainbow Baby
Rainbow Babies - a journey of joy and grief
Pregnancy after loss. It’s a completely different experience than other pregnancies. For many even deciding to try again is an internal war all its own. Grief changes the journey, colors the experience through a lens that is hard to describe. It’s important to note that every pregnancy is unique, every baby-bearing parent goes through their own struggles, joys, and grief, and embarking on this journey after enduring loss makes it that much more intense.
Before you dive in, remember that our professionals are always here to help
Co-existing with Grief
As with any loss, grief over a child does not get erased with time or replaced when a new baby joins the family. Grief has enormous staying power that clings to our soul. But that does not mean that we must endure grief in full mourning. The shape of grief changes with time, becomes more fluid and less all-encompassing, and does make way for joy to co-exist.
Co-existing joy with grief in the midst of pregnancy can trigger many emotions. It can trigger anxiety and fear, which must be mitigated through to the full term of the pregnancy. The very true, yet unhelpful, advice to be calm, stay positive, and not be anxious has no effect on how you feel. It’s imperative to find the right tools that can fit into your reality of balancing your fears with truth, your anxiety with grounding in the here and now.
Being Present
Being present is one of the most powerful things you can do this season. As humans we lean into comparison to make sense of the world around us. It’s only natural to compare this pregnancy to the last and extrapolate worst possible outcomes based on previous experience. When you feel your mind drifting down this lane, gently course correct, bringing your awareness back to here and now.
Right now you have a beautiful child growing inside you. Your body is doing everything it needs to. You are being the best parent you can be in this moment. You are carrying for your child. You are wanting the very best for them. You are experiencing all the complexity of this season of life. You are worthy of grace. This child is worthy of love right now, in this moment.
Loving Your Baby
Ask yourself what you can do to love your child right now? Maybe you can pause and sing a lullaby, or tell them a story of you as a child. What about introducing them to your favorite music, or eating a snack you’d love to share. Maybe what’s loving to them is to put your feet up and relax for a few minutes to give them a calm space to rest as well. You are allowed to be present. The present is not nearly as scary as the “what-if” world of your anxiety.
As the weeks continue there is always something to keep you busy in planning to welcome baby. Parents who have experienced sudden loss often feel moored to the past, reticent to plan too far ahead for fear of getting their hopes up. Babies intrinsically are hope. They are new life, and it indeed is fragile, but it is no less beautiful for it’s fragility. Marvel at all that is happening right now in this little life. Celebrate each day. There is no one right way to prepare for a new baby. Do what feels right, what feels loving and embracing of this little life.
Making Room
Every journey of welcoming a new child involves making room. Babies come with an enormous amount of stuff for their infant needs, and that takes up space in a home. But while you have the changing table waiting, the crib ready, the mountain of diapers stockpiled that will disappear all too quickly, have you taken stock of where else you may require room?
Your heart and mind are expansive spaces but can feel crowded by too much staying at the forefront, unwilling to be sequestered to new location. There are fears, plans, to-do lists, grief and countless other areas of thought that can pile-on to take up all the room internally you felt available. It’s time to make room. You do not have to try to hide your fears, shove them down, ignore them, and expunge them. Everything that is taking up space can stay. But we can reorganize, allow our internal space to feel calm, clean, and accessible. Be gentle with this process, there are some messy things in here to take a look at. If you aren’t ready to let them go, consider how you want to treat the item, imagine a container, place your item inside, and let it be stored somewhere safe - ready for you when you need to revisit it.
Seeking Support
Wherever you are on your journey, you are not the first to traverse this wild landscape. There are others who have come through it, can understand your grief, and can validate what you are feeling. This is not a journey meant to be taken in solitude. Nor is it a path that has to be fraught with turmoil on every side. Knowledgeable counselors in birth trauma, infant mortality, maternal grief, and infertility struggle have tools that can help you cope more easily with all that you are experiencing.
You are not alone. And everything you are feeling is valid. This is so complex. You are an amazing person and a wonderful parent. You will make it through this chapter.
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